Saturday, January 2, 2010

"B" is for Beer

So while most people dream of vacation as a blissful release from the horrible monotonous routine of everyday life, I have a different take. Vacations over three days kill me...I cringe at the thought of a number of consecutive days to let my brain relapse to its post-educated state, falling victim to watching the same sportscenter for 3 consecutive hours while browsing facebook. Those days that I sit on the couch in shorts and a sweatshirt at 8am, and realize by 3pm that I have done nothing productive and I smell bad. So that got me to thinking...are vacations over 3 consecutive days counterproductive? I'm not talking about the occasional three day weekend or "battery recharge" sessions but the lengthy vacations with no agenda. So I have spent on of my days creating a theory about vacations...here goes: Vacations over three days are boring, egregious, esoteric, and ruinous--> in other words, they are like consuming massive quantities of B-E-E-R by yourself. Confused? Keep reading

"B"oring....We all say that there is a direct correlation between the length of a vacation and how awesome it is. We all also know that is a complete lie. You can only catch up with the housework, watch tv in your pajamas, and go more than 24 hours between showers so long before your brain begins to atrophy. Your workout routines go on vacation, your appetite inhibition goes on vacation, and forget about motivation and ambition...hell, you're on vacation, there's no schedule or sense of urgency. Yet this awesomeness soon transitions to pacing, replaying of the same video game from 1996, reading the girlfriends cosmo magazine, and watching trashy daytime television-->all of which occur with the short term memory of a goldfish. This is when the metaphorical (and occasionally literal) solo drinking begins.

"E"gregious: Yes, vacations over three days long are extrodinary in one terrible way: they make you dumber. At this point in your drinking of the BEER, you are reaching that stupid and belligerent stage, oblivious to common sense and reason, but completely sold that you are legendary. Thus, if someone goes around spouting off about how awesome it is to have two weeks off to do absolutely nothing, you should slap them right accross the face. There's no way you can convince me that when you are an average person on vacation, that you maintain any sembelence of circadian rhythm, or that you maintain any interest in expanding your knowledge. The party continues and at this point, you feel like you can go all night long.

"E"soteric: As the imbibing of this metaphorical BEER continues, the delusion that you are one of the select few that actually knows how to be productive during a vacation of this length becomes stronger. You have mellowed out at this point, and looking for a deeper meaning and the symbolism in "Days of Our Lives." Maybe...just maybe the death, subsequent revival, and amnesia of a prominent female character has some connection to the second wave of feminism and the struggles of women throughout history. You read deeply into the lives of video game characters, and not even the major ones but the crappy secondary characters. They aren;t even three dimensional, yet they are alluring to your mushy brain. "What the hell is the matter with me" you wonder alound, while munching on ice cream and candy...but your answer at this point is "nothing, I'm awesome."

***NEWS FLASH: You're not****

Ruinous: Vacations are distasterous. There is no sugar-coated media-spun way to put it. Vacations destroy a person, beat them down, turn them from workhorses and report-writing legends to mere mortals. Vacations are a way to let Joe Schmo 2 from your office take your projects and impress the bosses, and while he is on his game, you are drunk with the BEER of vacation. Your general functioning now is sluggish, your coordination and motor control, which appeared great earlier at the game table, make you look like the bumbling idiot that your brain knows you are at this point. Joe Schmo compared to you on day one back from vacation is like Mr. T vs Carrot Top in a steel cage match: it isnt pretty.

So in summary, vacations over three days long is a lot like drinking a lot of beer. You get bored first and start drinking a little. You get belligerently assertive, believing that vacation is some legendary conquest that you are OWNING. But it's not all that it seems. Confused by your lack of continuing awesomeness, you drink more and look deeper into your activities, convinced that you are missing something essential to mastering vacation. But you might as well be flying with the Riddler..the voluminous questions are more than your softening brain can handle. And your realization of this atrophy is the final runious straw.

Vacations are indeed a lot like drinking a lot of BEER, and all that you are left with afterwards is mushy brain tissue, a BEER gut, and a bad hangover when you get back to your real life.

1 comment:

  1. Only you could ruin the santicty of beer by turning it into an education tool harnassing it as an acronym for your fancy smart person words

    ReplyDelete